MGTOW! BEGONE!

man and woman sitting in front of furnace

MGTOW! BEGONE!

“The Rule of Law has become unruly”, said the defendant. As he’s about to be taken away.

“Wait! You have one minute to speak,” said her Honor.

“All it takes is a woman scorned to destroy our legal system.”

“You’re going to lecture me! On the fragility of our system? Alright, I’ll bite. Continue.”

“I used to believe you were innocent until proven guilty. That the burden of proof falls on the prosecution. Today, things have changed. It’s the defendant who must now prove their innocence. Ms. Goyle recently called. Taunting me on how she could force me to defend myself, not only for a crime I didn’t commit but also for one that never occurred.”

“So you were framed?”

Yes! I’m so naïve.

“Naïve?”

“How does one defend against a false negative?”

“I’m not buying into your petulant attitude. That’s why you have an attorney. Back to the unruly part,” said the judge.

As the judge became distracted by her clerk. The defendant received a gaze of empathy from the bailiff. Her eyes conveyed her belief in innocence and attraction. The two were like a pair of magnets drawn together. Until one magnet flipped, the poles reversed, and they repelled away from each other.

“Continue”, said the judge.

“Allowing prosecutors to shift the burden of proof to the defendant can make anyone sound guilty.”

“Enough on that point! Is there anything else you want to cry about?”

“I’m done with women! Laws are clearly against men.”

“Okay already! You win, ramble on if you must,” said the judge.

“Women are always accusing men of objectifying them. Today, it seems women are putting themselves out there deliberately, to become viewed and possessed as objects. And as men, we’re complicit by encouraging and enabling them to behave this way.”

“Complicit! Tell me more.”

“By allowing ourselves as men to become Pussified.”

“Pussified! That’s an interesting word choice. Continue,” said the judge.

As his tirade, or truthfully speaking; as my soliloquy was ending. When I looked across the room and saw the pain I had inflicted upon my now-former, one and only supporter. I realized she was done with me!

“I’ve been patient. And have listened to what you’ve had to say. I get it! You believe you’re innocent,” said the judge.

“And framed.” I blurted.

“Enough!”

“Since you’re a misogynist, I’m giving you what you desire,” said the judge.

“Misogynist? No! I just want to go my own way,” I said in angst.

“I see. You’re one of those. There’s a name for men who think like you. Bailiff, what do they call this movement?” asked the judge.

“MGTOW, Men Going Their Own Way,” said the bailiff.

“Ahhh, so you’re just a guy who wants to be left alone. So you want nothing more to do with women?” asked the judge.

“All of my troubles are because of women,” I said.

“Well, as I just said, I can give you what you deserve. I mean desire. You’re to serve your four-year sentence in a low-security prison. You’re not to have any interaction with women. Including any visitors, phone calls, and letters from any women. Also, no girlie magazines, or reading materials that make any mention of, or provide any depiction of women, under any circumstances. Do you understand?” asked the judge.

“I understand”, I said, as two guards then whisked me away, and take me to my cell.

 

II

Halfway into my sentence. The boredom amongst the guards, the prisoners, and everyone else was pervasive. For added entertainment, some would come by my cell just to tease and taunt me. Guards would partially reveal from a brown bag a photograph of a female body part, from a gentlemen’s magazine. Once an inmate offered me a stiff, crusty old tube sock cast in a yellow hue. Leaving me to lust and loath, with nothing to behold! When caught masturbating under my blankets, the patrolling guards were in a better position to monitor my room activities. As they would Sound the handheld Blow Horne; always just in time to deny me any hope of having any form of abject release. It seemed as if every Dreamscape was a travesty in the making. If someone sinned, then who was it?

I’ve never had anything against women. I’m not a misogynist. If anything, I’m the opposite. Women are beautiful. There’s that inner and outer beauty thing, but also, many have that vibe or aura emanating from within. They have a lot going for them. Too much, if you ask me. The problem is, they know it! Regardless, they still make life worth living.

 

A friend once told me I expect too much out of life. And it’s probably true. There are plenty of things to be had, and places to go. Still, they don’t amount to very much. He then said, “Men need women, but women don’t need men.” I’ve now come to realize that he’s correct.

 

Then, one day, everything changed. I was sitting on my bed, in my solitary cell, reading a censored version of “Seth Speaks”. Then I heard some people entering the cell next to mine. I placed my ear against the wall and listened. First, I heard the jailer barking out his silly little repertoire of commands.

 

Then, ever so softly. I heard the whispers of what sounded like an angel, with an ever so delicate feminine voice. Often, there’s a natural cadence, a tempo to be embraced, when a woman speaks. Why is that? Have you ever noticed? Or is it just me wanting it to be so?

 

III

 

How could this be happening? Surely the guards know I’m here, right next door! Maybe not. Either way, I must reach out. Why not? What’s the worst that could happen? After all, I’ve done nothing wrong, it’s not my fault! If I could only speak with her. That’s all I want.

 

After the guard left, and with the passing of a fair amount of time, I knew I must reach out. For us to talk and have her want to listen to me. What if I could just make her laugh? To tell her a silly little joke and hear her giggle. That’s all I want.

 

Good fortune had finally arrived. We were both very careful, as we found our way. Our conversations went into the night. Days turned into weeks, maybe even months; I lost track. All I knew was that we were falling in love. For her to love me. That’s all I want.

 

If only we could meet. We would embrace, kiss, and get lost in each other’s eyes. Just like a pair of magnets drawn together. Have I spoken of magnets before? It’s of no matter. I can’t wait to see her, hold her in my arms, make her laugh, and have her love me. That’s all I want.

 

It must have been four, five, maybe even six months into our affair. It was morning, I must have overslept. That’s when the guards came into my room and rustled me out of bed. They took me to a staging area.

 

“Did they find out about us? Or maybe I’m I to be released? Either way, the outcome cannot be good.” I was anything but grounded. There I stood, in the waiting area, somber and stilted. I was clearly out of sorts. Even now, as I hold this message in a bottle. I am kept on a leash, frozen within one vivid memory. The only one I can see and feel. All other memories remained blurred, faded, and were telling of a man’s life. A life not so well lived.

 

(First Ending)

 

They instructed me to turn around. There she was, facing the wall. As I approached from behind, I held her in my arms. She laughed a little. And I knew she loved me. She’s all that I ever wanted. As he turned to face me. I knew we were to remain apart. A lover’s folly, perhaps? Not sure. We became just another pair of repelling magnets.

 

(Second Ending)

… telling of a man’s life. A life not so well lived. 

 

Once in the staging area, they offered me a soda and asked if I wanted to sit at the table. I hadn’t seen this officer before. He was very polite. Though armed. I wasn’t sure why he was there.

He told me they’re going to be dramatic changes coming. He said he had heard about the guards and inmates giving me a hard time. And said, “no one should ever be treated that way.”

“It wasn’t so bad,” I said.

“Well, it was worse than you think,” he said. He then placed his cell phone on the table and played back several intimate conversations between myself and my new lover. As if things couldn’t get any worse, he told me how our conversations played over the prison’s loudspeaker system for everyone to hear.

It devastated me. Not so much for myself, but for my newfound lover. What will she think? I was told she was on her way from her cell to the staging area, and that we were both about to be released.

It was at that point, reports came in that there was a disturbance going on in the yard. This was highly unusual for a low-security facility. Still, the officer took off his gun belt, grabbed some riot gear, and made his way out. The buzzer for the other door opened.

She walked in. She was not the woman to whom I gave my heart. It was Ms. Goyle, the woman responsible for sending me to jail, the narcissist who felt scorned! She had been taunting and role-playing with me this whole time. Even then, she mocked me as she slipped into character. As she was feigning the voice of an angel, I knew what I must do.

It was at that moment, both of us became enraged. She then looked down at the gun on the table. And so did I. Who knew what was going to happen next? I certainly didn’t.

“You’ve framed me, and even today you taunt me; but no matter what, I never have and never will have feelings for you,” I said, and then I continued by telling a little lie. “I knew it was you on the other side of that wall all along. The guards told me and asked me to play along with you just to help entertain everyone, and they would put in a good word to get me an early release. You’re the one who’s being played as the fool.”

Well, I may have taken it a bit too far. Ms. Goyle went into a frenzy. She grabbed the gun from the holster, took aim directly at me, and then pulled the trigger. Lucky for me, it was empty.

It was at that moment the sheriff and two other officers came in, and they explained what had just happened, was a test. The judge wanted to know for sure who the guilty party really was.

At that point, they released me and arrested Ms. Goyle.

I found out later that year from my new bailiff girlfriend that Ms. Goyle was serving four years for trying to frame me. Absent all contact with men.

 

 (The Third Ending)

 … telling of a man’s life. A life not so well lived. 

Once in the staging area, the guard gave me a soda and a place to sit. I hadn’t seen this officer before. I wasn’t sure why he was so polite. Was he here to pick me up and take me elsewhere, or what?

He told me dramatic changes were coming. He knew the guards and others were continually giving me a hard time. And said, “no one should ever be treated that way.”

“It wasn’t so bad,” I said.

“It was worse than you think,” he said. He then placed his cell phone on the table and played back several intimate conversations between myself and my new remote lover. As if things couldn’t get any worse, he then told me how our conversations played over the prison’s PA system for everyone to enjoy. “And your confidant, the woman that you fell in love with. Well, she knew what was happening all along. As you were being played”, he said with empathy.

“I am so naïve. I was hoping she was on her way here, and we were both about to be released,” I said.

“She doesn’t need to be released. She works for the department; and volunteered for the job,” said the Sheriff.

A report then came in over the Sheriff’s handheld two-way radio. I heard the operator say there was a disturbance going on in the yard, and all available personnel were to report to the equipment room, grab their riot gear, and wait for their orders.

As he was getting ready to leave. I asked, “Why?”

“The judge felt you needed to be humbled.” She also said, “Contrition wasn’t your strong suit.”

It was at that point the electric door from the observation room opened.

When she walked in and I saw her, I couldn’t believe it. There stood the Bailiff from my trial.

“It was me behind the wall,” she said.

“I just found out. Why? Was it Revenge,” I asked.

“No, guilt”

“Guilt?”

“Several months after your trial, we saw Ms. Goyle again.”

“And”,

“It turns out. You’re the third man she’s put behind bars. And one person she even drove to commit suicide,” he exclaimed.

“So, why are you here?”

“Before the court found out, she was a narcissist or something. I knew the judge wanted to teach you a lesson. So I volunteered to help with her stupid plan. “

“But why are you also that cruel?” I asked.

“It was the only chance that I would have to see you again!”

“And all those times we spoke, all those things you said, meant nothing,” I asked.

“No! I mean yes, I mean, I meant everything I said. I fell in love with you!”

“And now?”

“It’s time for us to leave.”

“That’s all I want.”

 

 

THE END

Life

Life 1 2iv9nqp4y6a

I wrote this poem when I was about ten, for my first love. The subject matter was simple. I spoke of life; I used a flower as a metaphor. Cadence was exposed within the rhythm; housing both within the edifice of a rhyme.

I wrote it out on a tea-stained soaked piece of paper in an “Old English” hand-scripted font. I also included a small twenty-nine-cent flower plant I bought from my local Newberry’s. Our kiss was my first. It was really more of a peck, but the moment cannot be framed by time. To do so would be unjust, a travesty of love. It’s funny though? I don’t remember ever seeing her again — Ahhh…, even a kiss can cut into the soul in so many ways—but you already know that, don’t you?

Life comes in winter and fall,

it shouldn’t mean just anything at all.

It also comes in summer and spring

and should mean just everything.

Life is in the future,

and will soon come your way.

So try to make the best of it,

before it flies away.

Life is like a flower,

glowing in the light.

Its swaying beauty brings to us,

a colorful delight.

Flowers live

and flowers die.

And like some people,

they too watch life go by.

 

Requiem

grayscale photo of car with flowers

You’re black? Now you tell me! See how you are. I wish you would have told me this when we first met. So mundane, it’s comical, really. Like a key that turns a lock, you’ve now gone and done it!! This door, now wide open, can never be closed, or can it? If so, then forevermore is donning a cloak of nevermore.

“Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to get my friend and me two more of those shots w/ the funny name; Jagger’s, Jiggey’s — you know, the liquorice digestifs. Oh yes, and then put four more on our tab, close it, and hand the bill to my friend. He’ll be back soon!!!”

Downstream

waterfalls and black and gray waterfalls

Thanksgiving 2020

I have cancer.

If you’ve already read the first several posts, then scroll down and begin reading just after the August 9th entry. All future entries will begin with the most recent posting date,  moving downwards, towards the oldest.

16 July 2021

What a road trip! Having cancer, has in a most bizarre way, made me become reacquainted with my “Self”. There were the dreams. Several of which morphed into full-blown manifestations.

I have a lot of things to convey. Within this scroll I’ll go well beyond just the literal aspects of my having to deal with cancer. As I continue make my entries, Ill delve into the psychological and frankly the unbelievible things that happended and are still unfolding.

What will be unvieled may amount to an allegory within an allegory. So first lest’s review…

9 August 2021

I went out one evening to meet up with my son, to play some pool, and grab a bite to eat. it was just before last Thanksgiving.

My life was already in total disarray; maybe I’ll tell you more about that later. I’m just not particularly crazy about “airing my dirty laundry” (that is unless I think I can help someone else not to make the same mistakes that I am prone to make).

We ordered a large selection of junk food.  The one exception was the jumbo shrimp cocktail, which was delicious and I believe healthy— I don’t think that constitutes what’s considered to be junk food. Does it?

Anyway, it was getting late and when I got home I went straight to bed. The food hadn’t been digested and as I was lying in bed on my back I was in pain as it was passing down through my abdomen area.

The next day, when I saw my landlord I told her of my pain and discomfort. She told me to go to the emergency room and get an x-ray.

Normally I would of just yeah-yeah’d her or anyone else for that matter, and proceeded to tell my “Self” a lie and say “I’ll go and get a check-up after the holidays. That turned out to be easier said than done.

You see my landlady was a nurse and the closest person to an angel that I have come across in years.

Anyway, I went that day and it was a good thing I did. When the x-ray came back it looked like I had a large tumor about the size of a small ribeye steak just below my stomach in my abdomen area.

I was then moved to another room and my son and I lied in bed together and we waited for the oncologist. I wasn’t scared, surprised, or angry; no, there was none of that. I had some time to think, so I did!

Housed within my mind, I allowed my ‘Self” to go back a few years; maybe fifteen, no, it was closer to twenty years ago, not really sure. Anyhow— I landed for what must have been the hundredth time in an all too familiar place. This place constitutes one of only a handful of memories that will never fade— why this has to be so, I haven’t a clue.

The September 11 attack had just occurred,  My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.  My father had just passed, on the same day as one of my closest friend’s funeral service, which happened to be on my mother’s birthday…

My life was turned completely upside down. I am a tough old dog. At the time I was the founder and CEO of a financial services firm. 9/11 was also a direct affront to the financial services industry. Over the next six to twelve months my operations collapsed. This is the first time I’ve ever mentioned this, as what I went through was nothing compared to the plight of others; who was I to throw a pity party for myself.

The same goes for my losing a close friend, my father, and almost my mother.

After all, I had a wife and two small children to think about, I was destitute. What else could go wrong? Plenty! Oh, did I say I was tough? Maybe not so much.

Back to Thanksgiving 2020, and just beyond. It’s the twenty-year anniversary of 9/11. I’m alone, destitute, and have cancer. So I have no time to feel sorry for myself. Did I say I was tough? Yes, I am!

 *************************

Downstream, 8/31/21

blue and red dragon illustration

I'm "KRAKEN" up!

Several days after finding out I had cancer. And the night before my next appointment with my Oncologist. I was still quite restless. At this juncture, all I really knew was that I had a large tumor in my abdomen area.

That evening, after I fell asleep. I was awakened, by a noise that I heard just outside my window. It sounded as if someone was whispering. I sat up immediately, gave pause, and strained to listen. Then I heard someone whisper, Metamorphosis”.

I realized that no one was there and that I was just dreaming. I was now wide awake, so I went to my computer and decided to unwind by surfing the net.

Apparently, I fell asleep at my desk. When I awoke, I recounted having yet another strange dream. I remember looking at a large creature sleeping at the bottom of the ocean.

It was a Leviathan; no, more like a giant squid. Let’s just go with a Kraken! I remember spearing the creature, and when I did, its mouth opened wide. Then out came what seemed like hundreds of tiny little Krakens.

What was I thinking? These dreams were quite strange. Apparently, I was still out of sorts and stressed out.

The next day as my son and I were driving to see my oncologist, I told him about the bizarre dreams I had the night before.

During my Doctor’s appointment, we were discussing how challenging it can be to determine what type of cancer I may have.

During the middle of my oncologist’s talk, he gave pause, leaned forward, and spoke ever so quietly, he said the word “Metamorphosis”. Are you kidding me, what’s up with that?

Now fast forward almost a year. I’ve undergone extensive chemo treatments, and I was supposed to be “cancer clear”. As added insurance, I was advised to undergo some light radiation treatments. This is the part where things take an apparent turn for the worse.

It appears that my cancer has returned. My oncologist, along with the others on the Tumor board, really aren’t sure what to think. Do I have cancer or not? Could I just be damaged goods, as evidenced by the radiation? Or, could we have inadvertently released the hive of baby Krakens from the biopsy procedure.

Let’s just hope I have an overactive imagination, that there’s no cancer; and I’m just damaged goods.

Next up! Another biopsy. Grreeaaat!

Just Because, Just Because

Just Because, Just Because 2 vnjntdu0ycw

Just because time had made us weary, and our spirits could no longer speak

doesn’t mean that life is dreary, as once again we too shall seek

Just because we once were one, doesn’t mean we weren’t meant to unravel

even though we were formidable and strong, we were also very fragile

Just because we had naught to show, was really of no great matter 

for all that held meaning when we were one, was the sound of little feet going pitter-patter

Just because it was “Just Because”, doesn’t mean it was meant to be

and that’s just because we loved as one, and that’s all we were ever supposed to see

 

 

Digest

Digest 3

This is a very rough draft of something I wrote a long time ago. I was in a dark space at the time. I didn’t complete it.  I didn’t like how it was unfolding. So I never posted it until recently (A few years later, now in Sept. 2021)

The reason is, I wrote another poem called “Just Because”. I managed to turn darkness into light. All I had to do was find the switch.

I know I’ll have to come back and finish what I started. Then I can delete this as I should. Why must I haunt my “Self”. I didn’t even know that was possible.

Digest; In-jest

Just because I cry doesn’t mean I’m broken

Just because I’m broke doesn’t mean I have nothing to give

Just because I’m alone, doesn’t mean I’m devoid of love and being loving

Just because I’ve been shamed doesn’t mean I should feel ashamed

Just because I am old, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to live

Just because I yearn to laugh doesn’t mean I’m self-indulgent

Just because I fantasize about revenge doesn’t mean I’m vengeful

Just because there’s no respite doesn’t mean I will not find refuge

Just because I’m different doesn’t make me special

Just because I’m special doesn’t make me  unique

Just because I’m mired w/in my past doesn’t mean I cannot see my future

Just because I am so exhausted doesn’t mean that I am far too weak

Just because time has made me weary and my spirit can no longer speak doesn’t mean that life is dreary I will once again begin to seek

Just because I’m telling doesn’t mean there’s something to show

Just because I am “A Mystic” doesn’t mean  I have to glow

Just because I reason doesn’t mean I am critical

Just because I can reason doesn’t mean I am ‘Enlightened”

Just because I am optimistic doesn’t mean I am trusting

Just because I’m complex doesn’t mean I don’t wish to be understood

Just because I’m terrified doesn’t mean I will not act

 

 

 

Digest; In-rest

Just because you’re gone doesn’t mean you’ve left

Just because you’ve left doesn’t mean I will not give chase

Just because you still exist doesn’t mean you own my thoughts

Just because you have things to show doesn’t mean you must claim and go

Just because you were once so giving doesn’t mean you had a heart

Just because you love doesn’t mean you know of love

Just because you remember doesn’t mean I won’t forget

Just because you choose to forget doesn’t mean I wish to serve your memory

Just because you’re still becoming doesn’t mean you’ll always be recognized

Just because you’re “in-tune” doesn’t mean you must “atone”

Just because you are loyal doesn’t mean I should or could always be

Just because you are an illusion doesn’t mean I am delusional

Just because you chose him, her and them over me doesn’t mean I don’t exist

 

 

 

Digest; @-best

Just because we were once like them doesn’t mean we became them

Just because we were with them doesn’t mean we were one of them

Just because we wanted to be like them doesn’t mean we were followers

Just because they followed us doesn’t mean we chose to lead

Just because we were once one doesn’t mean we were never meant to unravel

Just because together we were formidable doesn’t mean we were not fragile

Just because it was “Just Because” doesn’t mean it was meant to be and that’s just because we loved as one and that’s all we ever needed to really see.